Anger

Why are Today's youth raging? Acting out? and Being Disruptive in the community?

Aim: Learning Emotional Awareness and Emotional Regulation

Anger is one of our most primal emotions. However we've never really learnt how to regulate it effectively. As kids we were always told "do not throw a tantrum", "don't get angry", "don't be naughty - or you're gonna get in trouble." Our fear of being punished makes us suppress our anger in order to maintain our relationships with our caregivers who we see as necessary for our survival at that stage.

Slow down now, before we point any fingers, we are not playing the blame game here. It's not the parents' fault. Parents do the best they can and as much as they know; they do what they have learnt.

However, we are learning now that telling the child to be quiet or not to throw a tantrum may not always be the best for them. It may be required and necessary in some situations, however not always.

Anger in istelf is not bad. The expression and/or feeling of anger can be an indication that our boundaries have been crossed. It is a protection mechanism.

'Anger is a strong feeling of displeasure in response to a perceived threat or hurt! It can be a healthy way to express negative emotions or motivate problem solving.'

However, since most of us have been told to not get angry or throw tantrums, we do not know what to do when this feeling arises. We have to shut it down, suppress it, let it not be seen by anyone else. We bottle it all up until it finally bursts open. We get so angry, that we cannot contain it anymore, and it all overflows. Or we may just shut down completely, we may feel so hurt and distant, that we separate and isolate ourselves from others.

When we don't know how to regulate it, anger can manifest itself in destructive ways: alcohol, affairs, stealing, or on the other extreme, people pleasing, allowing others to cross your boundaries, and more suppression.

Before I move further, I just want to stop here and say that I am truly sorry. I am sorry that you were hurt and that the person you want to hear these words from has not and/or may never apologise to you. I feel your pain, and I am so sorry for what you have been through.

So what can we do now?

How can we regulate/manage our anger well?

There are indeed healthy ways to deal with it:

Firstly, we need to find a safe space where we can express and explore our emotions: the hurt and the anger. (Anger is usually the overt expression of underlying hurt).

Secondly, we need to re-learn. Re-train our brain and body and remember that it is okay to feel angry. - But it is not okay to hit or take it out on someone else.

Let's learn to dispose our anger in a healthy manner rather than resist, shut down, or fear these emotions.

How to express anger in a healthy manner:

(Healthy expression of anger can feel empowering)

• Sigh

• Stomp your feet

• Clench your fist

• Recognize that it is okay to feel angry and to experience it is good. First, become aware of the feeling, then explore it - where you feel it in your body, what's caused it. Then let it pass you and return to a state of clam.

• Breathe - Remember "i am here, I am safe" - practice this in non-threatening moments too.

• Saying "no" - gives a sense of authority and allows one to set boundaries. It shows that a person is taking responsibility and knows their values (what is right for themselves) and can stand in their truth (this is where i am right now, and this is what works for me right now).

• Realise that anger is a mechanism trying to protect you - there is Freedom in anger. Explore how anger has helped you and protected you - like setting boundaries, it has allowed you to prioritise time and energy, and space for things, people, and/or activities you enjoy.

Practice these in non-threatening situations: These tips by themselves may not be very helpful initially. Clients often complain that trying to breathe long, slow breaths can feel so useless in heightened moments. Whatsoever, breathing actually does calm the nervous system down, even though, we can sometimes quickly slip back into the thoughts and emotions we were feeling before. The techniques and tools we learn are no quick fixes, we have to practice them over and over again. They are initially little outlets that we can use, while we work towards building our tolerance and capacity to deal with difficult emotions or situations. Like learning how to ride a bi-cycle, it takes training, until it becomes something you can just do.

Notes to remember:

• Emotions are energy in motion, that means if anger is suppressed the energy is repressed and not released. We need to release it to return to a calm state.

• The behaviours that come from suppressed anger are behaviours that do the damage. We need to learn to become aware of our emotions (emotional awareness) and learn to regulate them (emotional regulation).

• The behaviour is not the person or their identity. The behaviour is an indication of underlying hurt. So let's be gentle and try and understand what lies below the outward manifestation of deviance or destructive.

(James 1:19) Understand this, let every person be quick to hear (a ready listener), slow to speak, slow to take offense and to get angry.